INACA (National Institute for the Analysis of Aberrant Behaviors) has just released its chilling study on the mutants colonizing your social media feeds. After sacrificing the mental health of 17 researchers (3 are still curled up under their desks), our experts dissected the liquefied brains of 42,857 test subjects.
WARNING: our longitudinal study confirms that we are all latent carriers of the dreaded ADHD-D (Algorithmic Dependency and Hyper-Distraction Disorder). This syndrome activates after prolonged exposure to social networks and gradually turns your brain into a mere appendage of your compulsively scrolling thumb.
Here, ranked by increasing levels of psychosocial danger, are the ten mutants controlling the digital ecosystem.
1 : Parasitus intellectualis
Lurking in the shadows of original creators is this conceptual vampire who survives exclusively by sucking up other people’s ideas. It instantly rephrases your thoughts with three different synonyms and claims your work with the finesse of a seasoned pickpocket. It bounces from post to post until the original source is forgotten, eventually gaining more notoriety than its victim.
2 : Quotidianus illuminatus
It transforms the most insignificant everyday moment into a cosmic revelation. A spilled coffee becomes a metaphor for entrepreneurial resilience. A queue at the post office morphs into a strategic patience lesson. A limping pigeon on a windowsill inspires a complete overhaul of their team management. Every trivial detail of its existence is meticulously dissected to extract some supposedly transcendent wisdom.
3 : Contradictus compulsivus
It loudly proclaims its visceral hatred for the very platform it visits with religious devotion. “This network is dead,” it declares in fiery rants… right on said network. Our team’s time-tracking established that it spends an average of 4.7 hours daily meticulously exploring an environment it claims to despise. It knows every intimate detail about the “superficial narcissists” it denounces.
4 : Judicialis perpetuus
This individual turns every comment thread into an impromptu courtroom. A simple post about coffee vs tea preferences becomes, under its inquisitorial gaze, a problematic political manifesto. Every comma, every emoji is scrutinized with the rigor of a prosecutor prepping for the trial of the century. Its vigilance knows no rest and no nuance.
5 : Expertus universalis imaginarius
From Middle Eastern geopolitics to molecular baking, no field escapes its self-proclaimed expertise. When confronted by actual specialists, it deploys sophisticated avoidance techniques and becomes capable of explaining quantum physics to a physicist, childbirth to a midwife, and Italian cooking to a Sicilian nonna — all without ever leaving the basement of its suburban house.